Reflecting on the Retreat and Remembering My Time in GB

Before I went on the Great Books retreat, I discovered that my attitude towards it mirrored my initial attitude towards the Great Books program as a whole. I was reluctant, nervous, and stressed. 

I asked myself questions like: Will they like me? Will I put my foot in my mouth for the umpteenth time this semester? Will I share something personal that someone could use against me? 

All of these questions and worries flooded my mind, bombarding me with a myriad of feelings. Just 36 hours, I repeated to myself more times than I could count. I can survive for 36 hours. So, I went, knots in my stomach and all, and prayed that I could somehow make it through. 

Spoiler alert: I survived. Actually, I did more than just survived. I really enjoyed being with my classmates and friends and interacting with the material we covered during our discussions. I found myself even wanting to extend our time and connect more with everyone.  

I’m not sure why I didn’t anticipate such a drastic change in my attitude. I should have known that I’d end up loving our trip because I tend to love all things Great Books related. Well, that, plus the fact that my overall Great Books experience actually began in a similar way. When I first entered into the program, I was also reluctant. I was terrified and felt like an imposter, secretly wondering if Dr. Fullman and Dr. Jacobs somehow made a mistake and accidentally let me in. As each semester passed, I found that my love for the great books, our conversations in class, and the overall program grew, and I now can’t separate my college experience from my time in Great Books. I can genuinely say that I would be a completely different person, spiritually and academically, if I had not completed the program. 

While I was on the retreat, I thought a lot about my time in the Great Books program and how it has strengthened my relationship with God. Over the past five semesters, we’ve had many conversations about free-will, God’s justice, and His love for humanity, all of which have helped answer many long-standing questions that I have had. Through books such as On the Incarnation, The Problem of Pain, and Paradiso, I better understand how much God loves us—how much He loves me. Each of the authors we’ve read has left some type of imprint on me, whether that’s learning to flee from an unrealistic optimist (like Pangloss) or recognizing that each human being has inherent value (like Ransom). 

One great book that strongly convicted me was The Return of the Prodigal Son. On the retreat, we had our last discussion of Nouwen’s book, complete with giant Costco muffins (I’m sure he would have been proud). As I’ve read Nouwen’s book these past few weeks, I recognized that I am the elder son. When Nouwen explains that he “trie[s] to be good, acceptable, likeable, and a worthy example,” much like the elder son, I couldn’t help but underline and write “me” next to it in big black letters (Nouwen 71). I am a rule follower, and sometimes, I overlook the fact that I have to surrender my whole being to Christ. I become so immersed in how I look outwardly, that I do not consider the “deeply hidden” heart issues that “grow stronger and more powerful over the years” (Nouwen 71). As I mentioned before, we had our last discussion for The Return of the Prodigal Son while we were on the retreat. During that time, we talked about a question that pertains to divine joy and sorrow, and I think we could’ve spent hours talking about that one particular subject (Nouwen 118). We came to the conclusion that sorrow and joy can work together and lead us to Christ. As Christians, we can recognize the darkness, but “choose not to live in it” (Nouwen 117). We can choose to live in Christ, relying on Him when we are heartbroken and depending on Him for our every need. I left the retreat that day thinking about how I can’t let sorrow and the tendencies of the elder son overwhelm me and take me captive. Instead, I must come home to Christ and experience His joy. 

Another conversation from the retreat that really impacted me was in one of our sessions as we acknowledged where Christ is not honored in our lives. I appreciated how the others shared how they tend to be either more critical of other people or themselves. During our meditation time and session, I realized that I personally struggle more with being critical of myself, beating myself up whenever I make a mistake or fall short. I couldn’t help but think about Chambers’ August 26 entry where he explains that “inner peace is impossible unless it is receivable from Jesus.” I can’t obtain peace from my self-critic unless I am more focused on Christ rather than myself. I have to stop relying on myself and give my worries, struggles, and fears to God.

Not only has the material we’ve interacted with in our classes and on the retreat challenged me, but the people in my Great Books class have also impacted me. We hold each other accountable and share our thoughts with one another, in class and outside of it. We push one another to think better, to be better, and don’t allow ourselves to be content with a simple surface reading. I’m so thankful that I became closer to my classmates on the retreat as we ate together, engaged in the sessions, and played games like badminton (well, they played. I sucked). I developed a much deeper appreciation for them inside as well as outside of the classroom, and I couldn’t imagine these past five semesters without them. 

Reflecting on the retreat and my time in Great Books as a whole can only be accompanied by a bittersweet feeling. I know it definitely sounds cliché (blame it on all of the Hallmark movies if you must), but I think Great Books chose me more than I chose it. When I was in high school, thinking about possible colleges I wanted to attend and considering Faulkner, I wasn’t planning to do something as difficult as reading Socrates and writing an undergraduate thesis. But somehow, through Dr. Fullman’s initial encouragement and both he and Dr. Jacobs’s reassurance, I joined the program, and I’ve been so thankful for its impact ever since. 

It’s hard for me to believe that we made it through GB V, and I can’t thank my classmates and professors enough for all of the time and energy they’ve poured into me. 

They have truly shown me what being a lifelong learner looks like.